Estimated reading time: 10–12 minutes

What You Will Learn

By the end of this article, you will learn how to:

• Regulate your emotions before and during difficult conversations so you stay composed and persuasive.

• Use curiosity-driven questions to replace defensiveness with collaboration.

• Frame and label conversations to create safety, mutual clarity, and forward momentum.

• Apply Jefferson Fisher’s three communication rules — “Say it with Control,” “Don’t Pull, Ask,” and “Label the Conversation” — in real-world examples.

• Avoid common traps such as emotional flooding, passive compliance, or forced agreement.

Introduction

We all dread “that conversation” — the one where hearts race, voices shake, and relationships hang in the balance. Whether at work, home, or with friends, difficult conversations are inevitable. But what if you could transform those moments from minefields into opportunities for honesty, understanding, and connection?

Jefferson Fisher, trial lawyer turned communication coach, argues that tough talks don’t have to detonate. Instead, he offers a set of guiding rules that reframe conflict. His recent work, including his 2025 book The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, as well as his frequent video content, distills his approach into actionable strategies.

In this post, I present three core rules drawn from Fisher’s teachings. Each rule is followed by explanation, examples, and suggestions for integrating them into your day-to-day conversations. Use these not as rigid formulas but as guardrails to help you stay grounded, curious, and constructive when tough talks arise.

Rule 1: Say It With Control — Regulate Yourself Before You Speak

The Premise

When emotions flare, we often react impulsively. We speak first, think later — and end up inflaming the situation. Fisher insists the first battlefield in any disagreement is within you. He calls this rule “Say it with Control.” In short: you must slow your own system before attempting to influence theirs.

This isn’t about suppressing your feelings, but about regulating your internal state so you can speak intentionally. When you remain calm, you preserve access to reason, empathy, and choice — all of which dramatically improve the odds of a productive exchange. 

Key Techniques

• Conversational Pauses — Take a few seconds before responding; your breath becomes your first word.

• Nine-Second Rule — Count silently to nine before replying to emotionally charged statements.

• Name the Feeling — Internally say “I’m angry” or “I’m nervous.” Labeling emotions lessens their control.

• Frame Before Speaking — Set expectations:

  “This might be difficult to talk about. My goal is to understand and find a solution together.”

Why It Matters

• Protects your rational side and prevents escalation.

• Models calm for others to follow.

• Creates a sense of psychological safety.

Rule 2: Don’t Pull. Ask. — Use Curiosity Instead of Coercion

The Premise

When in conflict, people often try to pull the other person — by pushing, lecturing, or demanding. Fisher’s antidote is curiosity: ask, don’t pull. Questions signal openness and respect, disarming defensiveness.

Instead of “Why did you do that?” try “Help me understand what led to that decision.” The former accuses; the latter invites.

Key Techniques

• Offer Choice: “Would you be open to talking about this now or later today?”

• Ask Open Questions: “What factors influenced your decision?”

• Use ‘I See Things Differently’: A softer way to disagree without invalidating.

• Embrace Silence: Let pauses do the work; resist the urge to fill them.

Why It Matters

• Curiosity reduces defensiveness.

• Encourages collaboration over confrontation.

• Builds mutual understanding.

Rule 3: Label the Conversation, Then Co-Design the Path Forward

The Premise

Fisher says labeling a conversation sets its tone and trajectory. By naming what kind of conversation this is — a clarification, boundary, or repair talk — you reduce ambiguity and invite cooperation.

Once labeled, shift from telling to co-designing: invite the other person to build the path forward.

Key Techniques

• State the Obvious: “This might be awkward.” Acknowledging discomfort lowers tension.

• Name Your Goal: “I want to understand what happened and see how we can move forward.”

• Ask for Partnership: “Are you open to finding a solution together?”

• Set Boundaries Calmly: “I want to continue this, but only if we can both stay respectful.”

Why It Matters

• Gives clarity and structure.

• Builds alignment and shared purpose.

• Preserves dignity even in disagreement.

Pulling It All Together  

Imagine you’re confronting a colleague about missed deadlines:

1. Control: Take a deep breath. “This is a tough conversation, but I want to find a fair solution.”

2. Ask: “Can you help me understand what’s been making deadlines hard to meet?”

3. Label & Co-Design: “My hope is to rebuild trust and accountability. Let’s agree on next steps that work for both of us.”

By following these three steps, you turn confrontation into collaboration.

Common Pitfalls

1. Mistaking calmness for passivity — You can be firm and composed.

2. Overtalking — Silence is your ally.

3. Skipping self-regulation — No technique compensates for being emotionally hijacked.

4. Assuming intent — Always ask before judging.

Why Fisher’s Framework Works

• Grounded in Neuroscience: Emotional regulation activates the prefrontal cortex, enabling empathy and logic (Gross, 2015).

• Rooted in Psychology: Curiosity reduces conflict and promotes connection (Kashdan & Fincham, 2004).

• Tried in the Real World: Fisher’s courtroom background and viral communication lessons offer practical language tools for daily life.

Practical Takeaways  

• Use breathing and framing to calm yourself before responding.

• Replace “You never…” with “Can you help me understand…?”

• Start tough talks with “This might be hard to discuss, but my goal is…”

• Focus on mutual goals, not winning arguments.

Conclusion

Tough conversations are unavoidable, but suffering through them is optional. Jefferson Fisher’s three rules — Control Yourself, Ask Instead of Pulling, and Label the Conversation — offer a path to handle hard talks with confidence and grace.

You can’t always control how others respond, but you can control your tone, your curiosity, and your clarity. That’s where transformation begins.

References

• Fisher, J. (2025). The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. HarperCollins.

• The Times. (2025, March). “Jefferson Fisher Interview: How to Argue Less and Connect More.”

• Russell Moore Show. (2025, July 16). Jefferson Fisher on How to Have Difficult Conversations.

• Fisher, J. (2025). LinkedIn post: You Need to Have a Difficult Conversation.

• Gross, J. (2015). Emotion Regulation: Conceptual and Empirical Foundations. The Guilford Press.

• Kashdan, T. B., & Fincham, F. D. (2004). “Curiosity and Forgiveness: Integrating Positive Emotion and Relationship Repair.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(2), 326–336.