Estimated Reading Time: 12 minutes

Criticism has a way of landing right where it hurts. Even when the other person means well, our bodies react instantly — tension rises, the heart beats faster, and defensive thoughts show up before we even speak. This automatic response is deeply human, but it often turns small misunderstandings into full-blown conflict.

The “disarming technique,” popularized by Dr. David Burns, offers a radically different path. Instead of reacting with defensiveness, it teaches us how to find truth in criticism — even a small part of it — and respond with clarity, calmness, and connection. Far from weakness, disarming is one of the most powerful communication tools we can use to diffuse tension and build trust.

In this article, you’ll learn how the disarming technique works, why it is so psychologically effective, and exactly how to use it in real conversations.

What You Will Learn

• Why criticism triggers immediate defensiveness — and how to break that cycle

• The psychology behind the disarming technique and why it reduces conflict instantly

• A step-by-step method for applying the technique in real situations

• Common mistakes to avoid when trying to disarm during tense conversations

• How disarming strengthens relationships, emotional safety, and trust

Introduction: Why Criticism Feels Like an Attack

Humans are wired for survival. When we sense judgment or rejection, the brain activates the same alarm system used for physical threats. That’s why even small criticisms — “You’re always late,” “You never listen,” “This isn’t good enough” — can feel like a blow to the chest.

Most people respond in one of three ways:

1. Fight: become defensive, argue, counterattack

2. Flight: withdraw, shut down, avoid the conversation

3. Freeze: say nothing but feel resentment build inside

The problem is that all three create distance, not connection.

Disarming interrupts this cycle. Instead of fighting criticism, it embraces it — not by agreeing with lies or accepting unfair treatment, but by finding even a small part of truth in the other person’s perspective. That tiny moment of acknowledgment is enough to dissolve defensiveness and open space for genuine conversation.

Section 1: The Psychology Behind the Disarming Technique

At the heart of disarming lies a simple insight: people calm down when they feel heard.
Criticism often appears harsh not because the critic wants to hurt us, but because they feel unheard, invalidated, or frustrated.

Dr. David Burns explains that disarming works because it:

1. Removes Resistance

When we stop arguing back, the other person no longer needs to escalate their point. Their emotional intensity decreases because there is nothing to push against.

2. Breaks the Pattern of Conflict

Most people expect defensiveness. When you respond with openness, it surprises them — in a good way — and disrupts the emotional script of an argument.

3. Builds Instant Trust

By validating whatever truth exists in their perspective, you signal humility, emotional maturity, and willingness to understand.

4. Strengthens Empathy

Disarming opens the door to seeing the situation from both sides, making collaborative solutions easier to reach.

In short: disarming creates emotional safety, and emotional safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship.

Section 2: The Core Principle — Find the Truth, Even If It’s 1%

One of the biggest misconceptions about disarming is thinking it means agreeing with everything. It does not.

Disarming simply means looking for anything in the criticism that you can genuinely acknowledge.

Even if 99% feels wrong or exaggerated, the remaining 1% is enough to build a bridge.

For example:

A partner says:
“You never help around the house.”

You may think the statement is unfair — you do help. But maybe there were moments recently when you were overwhelmed, distracted, or unavailable.

The disarming response might be:
“You’re right that I’ve been less present with housework these past few days. I can see how that felt stressful for you.”

This is not surrender. It is clarity.

You aren’t saying the accusation is entirely true — you’re acknowledging the part that is true. This simple shift completely changes the emotional tone of the conversation.

Section 3: A Step-by-Step Guide to Using the Disarming Technique

Disarming becomes easier with practice. Here’s a clear method to follow when criticism hits:

Step 1: Pause Your Automatic Reaction

Your first instinct may be to correct the other person or defend yourself.
Instead, take a breath, slow down, and remind yourself:

“I don’t need to react instantly.”

This micro-pause keeps the emotional brain from hijacking the conversation.

Step 2: Look for Any Truth in Their Words

Ask yourself:

• Is there a part of this that they might be right about?

• Did my actions contribute even slightly to how they feel?

• Can I acknowledge their frustration without disagreeing first?

You are not admitting fault. You are searching for shared reality.

Step 3: Gently Acknowledge the Truth

Use calm, simple language. Examples:

• “You’re right that I forgot to call back earlier.”

• “I can see why you’d feel that way based on what happened.”

• “Yes, I did raise my voice. I’m sorry about that.”

This reduces tension immediately.

Step 4: Validate Their Feelings (Without Taking Blame for Everything)

Once the truth is acknowledged, show understanding:

• “I imagine that was frustrating.”

• “I can understand why that upset you.”

Validation ≠ agreement with exaggeration.
It simply honors the emotional reality of the other person.

Step 5: Only After Disarming… Share Your Perspective

This is crucial:
Never explain your side first.
If you do, the other person stays defensive.

Once the emotional intensity has dropped, you can add:

• “Can I share what was happening from my side as well?”

• “Would it be okay if I explained what led to that?”

This ensures your voice is heard without conflict.

Section 4: Real-Life Examples of Disarming in Action

Example 1: Romantic Relationship

Partner:
“You never listen to me.”

Old response:
“That's not true! I always listen. You’re being unfair.”

Disarming response:
“I can understand why it felt that way today. I was distracted when you were talking earlier.”

What happens?
Defensiveness melts, conversation opens.

Example 2: Workplace Conflict

Coworker:
“Your part of the project delayed everything.”

Old response:
“That’s exaggerated. Other teams were late too.”

Disarming response:
“You’re right that my section took longer than expected. I appreciate your patience — it must have caused you extra stress.”

This shifts the dynamic from blame to collaboration.

Example 3: Family Tension

Parent:
“You don’t spend enough time with the family.”

Old response:
“What do you mean? I’m busy with work — you know that.”

Disarming response:
“I understand why it feels that way. I have been overwhelmed lately, and that meant less time together. I’m glad you told me.”

Suddenly, connection replaces conflict.

Section 5: Why Disarming Works — Insights from CBT and Interpersonal Psychology

Team-CBT and cognitive psychology highlight several reasons why disarming is so powerful.

1. It Neutralizes Cognitive Distortions

Criticism often contains distortions such as overgeneralization (“always,” “never”) or exaggeration.
By finding the kernel of truth, you reduce the distortions without confronting them head-on.

2. It Reduces Emotional Reactivity

Acknowledgment activates the parasympathetic nervous system — the body’s calming mode — for both parties.

3. It Models Emotional Intelligence

When you respond calmly to criticism, you teach others how to interact with you. Over time, relationships become healthier.

4. It Prevents Escalation

Arguments lose momentum when there is no resistance. Disarming stops escalation before it begins.

Section 6: What Disarming Is Not — Common Misunderstandings

Disarming is powerful, but only when applied correctly. Here are pitfalls to avoid:

1. It Is Not Apologizing for Things You Didn’t Do

You acknowledge partial truth, not false claims.

2. It Is Not People-Pleasing

The purpose is connection and clarity — not self-sacrifice.

3. It Is Not Allowing Mistreatment

If criticism becomes abusive, the issue is boundaries, not disarming.

4. It Is Not Agreeing with Exaggerations

You respond to the truth, not the distortion.

5. It Is Not Suppressing Your Own Needs

You share your side — just after the other person feels understood.

Section 7: How Disarming Strengthens Every Relationship

When people feel heard, the quality of the relationship changes.

Less Conflict, More Understanding

Arguments become discussions.
Defensiveness becomes curiosity.

Deeper Emotional Safety

Partners, colleagues, and friends feel safe expressing concerns.

Mutual Respect

Disarming models maturity — others mirror it back.

Increased Collaboration

Solutions arise naturally when both sides are calm.

Growth and Healing

Disarming helps repair old misunderstandings and prevent new ones.

In the long run, disarming builds relationships based on trust, not fear.

Section 8: When Disarming Is Difficult — And How to Practice

Disarming may feel counterintuitive at first, especially when:

• criticism feels unfair

• emotions are already running high

• you feel misunderstood or cornered

• pride gets in the way

Here’s how to build skill:

1. Practice in Low-Conflict Situations

Start with mild feedback before applying it to emotionally charged conversations.

2. Use Inner Dialogue

Ask yourself:
“What is the truth here, even a small part?”

3. Slow Your Speech

Speaking calmly makes it easier to think clearly.

4. Notice Defensive Thoughts

Thoughts like “This is unfair!” or “I need to defend myself!” are signs to pause and re-center.

5. Reflect After Each Conversation

What worked? What didn’t? What truth did you find?

With practice, disarming becomes natural — a new emotional habit.

Section 9: A Simple Template for Disarming Any Criticism

Use this four-part formula:

1. Acknowledge the truth:
“You're right that…”

2. Validate their feelings:
“I can understand why that was upsetting…”

3. Express appreciation for the feedback:
“Thank you for telling me.”

4. Share your perspective (only afterward):
“Can I explain what happened on my side?”

This structure turns conflict into connection every time.

Conclusion: Disarming Is an Act of Strength, Not Submission

In a world where defensiveness is the default, disarming is a form of emotional leadership.
It takes courage to stay calm, maturity to look for truth, and wisdom to break the cycle of conflict before it begins.

The disarming technique empowers you to:

• stay grounded under pressure

• respond instead of react

• build trust even in difficult moments

• transform criticism into connection

Mastering disarming doesn’t mean you’ll never feel defensive again — it means you’ll know how to navigate that defensiveness with clarity and compassion. It is one of the most powerful tools for strengthening relationships, resolving conflict, and becoming the emotionally intelligent person you aspire to be.

References

• Burns, D. D. (1999). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. HarperCollins.

• Burns, D. D. (2020). Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety. PESI Publishing.

• Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Guilford Press.

• Gottman, J. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton.

• Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.