Estimated Reading Time: 12–14 minutes

Some relationships don’t break cleanly. Even when a partner hurts us, betrays our trust, or slowly erodes our sense of self, we may find ourselves staying—hoping, waiting, trying to fix what feels unfixable. Psychologists call this phenomenon trauma bonding, a powerful emotional attachment formed through cycles of affection, manipulation, fear, and intermittent reinforcement.

In his piercing and emotionally honest book I Loved a Bastard, Dr. Emad Rashad Othman opens a window into the psychology behind these bonds. He explains why smart, self-aware, resilient people can still become entangled in relationships that harm them. More importantly, he shows how understanding these dynamics helps us break free and rebuild our sense of worth.

This article explores the science of trauma bonds through the lens of Othman's insights—why we stay, why it’s so hard to leave, and what recovery truly requires.

What You Will Learn

By the end of this article, you will understand:

• What trauma bonds are and how they develop

• Why emotionally abusive relationships create intense psychological attachment

• The stages and cycle of a trauma bond as reflected in I Loved a Bastard

• How fear, hope, and self-blame keep people stuck

• The neuroscience behind intermittent reinforcement

• Steps to heal, rebuild self-worth, and break the cycle

• How Othman’s work helps readers reinterpret their past with compassion

Introduction: Staying When Leaving Makes More Sense

It’s easy for outsiders to say, “Why didn’t you just leave?”
But anyone who has lived through an emotionally manipulative relationship understands that it is rarely that simple.

Dr. Emad Rashad Othman’s I Loved a Bastard resonates precisely because it captures this emotional complexity. Through intimate reflections and clinical wisdom, he explains why people remain attached to partners who hurt them—not because they are weak, but because they are human, hopeful, and wired for connection.

Trauma bonds are not relationships built on love. They are built on contrast—moments of affection followed by moments of fear or pain. The highs feel intoxicating because the lows are devastating. This cycle creates a physiological and emotional dependency that feels as real as an addiction.

To understand why we stay, we first have to understand how the bond is created.

Section 1: What Trauma Bonds Really Are

1. The Psychological Definition

A trauma bond is a strong emotional connection formed between two people when one person intermittently abuses, neglects, or harms the other—while also offering affection or comfort in between episodes.

Psychologist Patrick Carnes, who coined the term, explains that these bonds thrive on “intense emotional experiences combined with intermittent reinforcement.”
This means the victim receives affection unpredictably—and the unpredictability itself strengthens the attachment.

Dr. Othman captures this dynamic poignantly:

“You end up loving the version of him that appears only when he feels like it.”

2. The Neuroscience Behind It

Emotional abuse followed by sudden tenderness floods the brain with contradictory signals:

• Cortisol rises during conflict or manipulation

• Dopamine increases when affection returns

• Oxytocin strengthens attachment, even to harmful partners

This cocktail creates a dependency similar to gambling addiction—your brain keeps waiting for the “reward,” even when the losses are overwhelming.

3. Why Smart People Are Vulnerable

Trauma bonds don’t happen because someone is naive. They happen because:

• The relationship starts strong

• The person harming you oscillates between warmth and withdrawal

• You feel responsible for fixing the common conflict

• You hope for a return to “how it used to be”

• You see glimpses of the partner you fell for

As Dr. Othman notes, intelligence doesn’t protect anyone from emotional loneliness or unmet childhood needs. In fact, people who care deeply are more likely to invest effort into repairing the bond.

Section 2: How Trauma Bonds Form — The Cycle

Trauma bonds follow a predictable cycle—one that is vividly illustrated throughout I Loved a Bastard.

1. Idealization

At first, everything feels perfect.
They adore you, praise you, study your likes and dislikes, and shower you with attention.

Othman describes this stage as “a love that feels too good to be true—because it is.”

This early intensity creates:

• A belief that you’ve finally found “your person”

• A strong emotional blueprint you’ll later chase

• A sense of safety that becomes the anchor of the bond

2. Devaluation

Then, slowly, things start to shift.

• Criticism replaces compliments

• Silence replaces conversation

• Hot-and-cold behavior becomes routine

You begin questioning yourself, wondering what you did wrong, trying harder to please them. Their approval becomes a goal you work toward rather than something naturally given.

3. Emotional Confusion

At this stage, partners often think:

• Maybe I’m overreacting.

• Maybe I misunderstood.

• Maybe if I just love harder, things will go back to the beginning.

This is where self-blame sets in—and where emotional dependency grows.

4. The Hook: Intermittent Kindness

Just when the relationship feels unbearable, the partner becomes gentle again.

One message.
One apology.
One tender moment.

These small gestures release dopamine, giving the victim just enough hope to continue.

Othman writes:

“He would hurt me deeply, then offer a kindness so tiny that it felt like salvation.”

5. Fear of Loss

The trauma bond tightens because:

• You fear losing the good moments

• You think no one else will understand or choose you

• You feel invested after months or years of emotional labor

• You’re afraid the next partner will treat you worse

This stage is where many people stay—not because the relationship is good, but because leaving feels like emotional amputation.

Section 3: Why We Stay — The Hidden Psychological Mechanisms

Leaving a trauma bond is not a matter of “decision.” It is a matter of unraveling psychological threads that have been woven over long periods of stress, attachment, and hope.

Dr. Othman outlines several mechanisms that keep people trapped.

1. Hope Addiction

You fall in love with the potential, not the reality.

You keep waiting for the original affectionate version of them to return, convinced the relationship can be salvaged with patience, empathy, or sacrifice.

2. Low Self-Trust

Emotional manipulation erodes your confidence in your own perceptions:

• “Maybe I’m too sensitive.”

• “Maybe it’s not that bad.”

• “Maybe it really is my fault.”

When you stop trusting your own feelings, you start depending on theirs.

3. Fear of Loneliness

Humans are wired to fear isolation.
We often choose:

A painful connection
over
the terror of emotional emptiness.

This is why Othman emphasizes that people stay not because they “love suffering,” but because loneliness feels more threatening than inconsistency.

4. Emotional Childhood Wounds

Those who experienced:

• Emotional neglect

• Criticism

• Insecure attachment

• Chaotic parenting

…may unconsciously reenact old patterns, trying to “win” the love they never consistently received.

The harmful partner becomes a symbol of an unresolved emotional narrative.

5. The Fantasy of Rescue

Victims may think:

• “If I love him enough, he’ll heal.”

• “I can help him change.”

• “No one understands him like I do.”

This sense of mission becomes part of the bond, making the relationship feel meaningful—even as it harms you.

Section 4: Breaking the Bond — Recovery and Reconstruction

Healing from trauma bonds is not a single step. It is a gradual process of untangling emotional, neurological, and psychological ties.

Dr. Othman encourages a recovery approach built on compassion, understanding, and honesty—not self-blame.

1. Recognize the Bond, Not Yourself, as the Problem

You did not stay because you are weak.
You stayed because the bond was engineered to keep you emotionally hooked.

This reframes your story from shame to clarity.

2. Identify the “Cycle Moments”

Make a list of:

• When you were idealized

• When you were devalued

• When you were blamed

• When you received small “rewards”

Seeing the cycle on paper breaks the illusion of randomness.

3. Cut Contact, or Create Emotional Distance

Full “no contact” is ideal, but not always immediately possible.
Othman advises steps such as:

• Blocking or muting

• Reducing communication

• Avoiding emotional conversations

• Removing reminders

Distance weakens the bond’s physiological grip.

4. Rebuild Self-Worth

Trauma bonds erode self-esteem.
Healing requires:

• Positive, safe relationships

• Self-compassion

• Rewriting internal narratives

• Challenging self-blame

You have to rebuild the identity the relationship fractured.

5. Understand Attachment Patterns

Recognize how childhood wounds may have shaped your tolerance for harmful relationships.
This helps prevent repeating the cycle with a new partner.

6. Therapy and Support

Professional support can help you:

• Regulate emotional withdrawal

• Understand trauma patterns

• Build healthier relational templates

The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to understand it—and free yourself from it.

Section 5: How I Loved a Bastard Helps Readers Heal

Dr. Emad Rashad Othman’s work is powerful because it blends psychology with emotional truth. Readers find healing because the book:

1. Validates Their Experience

Many victims feel:

• Alone

• Ashamed

• Misunderstood

• Blamed

Othman’s storytelling makes readers realize their pain is real—and shared.

2. Provides Psychological Language

Understanding terms like:

• Intermittent reinforcement

• Gaslighting

• Attachment wounds

• Cognitive dissonance

…gives readers a framework that makes the chaos understandable.

3. Offers Emotional Relief

The book acts like a mirror:
It reflects the reader’s pain, but without judgment.

4. Combines Science with Empathy

Othman’s approach is neither coldly clinical nor overly emotional.
It is humane, grounded, and deeply compassionate.

5. Inspires Self-Respect and Clarity

Ultimately, the book is not about the “bastard.”
It is about the person who survived him.
It is about reclaiming dignity after emotional confusion and relational harm.

Conclusion: Understanding Is the First Step to Freedom

Trauma bonds are powerful, but they are not permanent.

When we understand:

• How they form

• Why they feel so intense

• Why leaving feels impossible

• How healing actually works

…we begin the slow, gentle journey back to ourselves.

Dr. Emad Rashad Othman’s I Loved a Bastard doesn’t just explain toxic love. It gives language to pain that many people never knew how to describe. It validates the emotional storms that keep people tied to the wrong partners—and gives them the tools to break free, with compassion rather than blame.

Healing begins with understanding.
Freedom begins with acknowledging that you deserved better all along.

References

• Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.

• Othman, E. R. (2021). I Loved a Bastard.

• Walker, L. (1979). The Battered Woman.

• Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.

• Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1981). Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women. Victimology, 6, 139–155.

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.